Surviving Out Loud

Chapter 12

After getting an easy job as an office manager for an apartment complex, he seemed to lay off of the abuse. I worked from 8 to 5 Monday through Friday and no weekends unless there was an emergency. I was able to put the kids on the bus and then be home to cook dinner and help with homework and get them ready for bed. Then clean the house and do laundry. I started to be a little bit happier. Out of nowhere I get a phone call from my mother who I don’t really have contact with. Apparently my brother, who I don’t talk to either, is having issues with his kids mothers. He (at this time) has 3 kids and 2 baby moms. He has 2 sons with one girl and a daughter by another. The first girl he cheated on with the second girl. The first girl turned lesbian and started using drugs. The second girl started using drugs after he cheated on her with his (now but not yet) 3rd baby mom. And i thought my love life was messed up.

Anyways, back to the story, so my mother called me saying my brother was having trouble raising his 3 kids by himself. So i stepped in and helped. All of my paychecks went to him for the kids. Of course i had to lie to my husband and tell him i was paying lawyer fees for myself on my custody battle with my 2. That’s a whole other shit show. My rapist sued me for sole custody and child support. He did that because he couldn’t kill the fetus or me, so to get me, he takes me to court. how crazy is that. Beats me almost to death and tries to kill me when I’m pregnant with my son. He didn’t succeed so he tries to get to me legally in court to make me suffer. Talk about some Jerry Springer shit. That is besides the point. My brother used me for money and help with the kids for over a year and then turned on me. He ran my credit card up by taking a girl out on a date to a fancy place and a baseball game. He sold the house I bought and fixed up for him and his kids just so he could use the money for drugs and his playtime spending. He moved back in with my mom and took his kids with him. That was a slap in the face. By this time I quit my job. I was so fed up. The husband found out the truth and was super pissed off, therefore my face was the color of skittles for awhile. I was use to it so it didn’t bother me like it should have. I wasn’t happy this all happened but I wasn’t sorry I did it. I love my nieces and nephews. They are just like my own. I would still help them, even if their dad is an asshole.

After quitting the job, I went back to housewife. Cleaning and cooking and dealing with being snipped at all day by the overbearing husband. Turns out he was seeing someone. Shocker, right? Not really. That was kind of common knowledge apparently. His mother was still hoping he would get back with his ex so he could have children of his own and not step children. She was also trying to set him up with other females knowing he was married. Talk about welcome to the family. Yes, this is his mother, the one who i knew before knowing him. She hated me as soon as she realized i worked with her years prior. She was mad as hell and never wanted him to marry me. She didn’t want me around him at all. The day she stepped in my house and we almost fist fought (held back due to kids), i made it clear she was never welcome on my property. I told her she had balls coming into my home and she had 30 seconds to remove herself or id make sure she would eat concrete. I think that’s when the husband realized i was not as much of a push over as everyone thought. I will only tolerate so much. And that’s when i got asked the question…… my best friend asked me with a serious look on her face, “After all the bad things that have happened to you, I have seen you fight grown men in bars and win, I have seen you fight a group of people by yourself and win, I have seen you flip out and slide over hood of cars and fly through the air like you weigh nothing and put your stilettos into car doors when mad…… WHY do you let him beat on you and you don’t fight back?” I didn’t have an answer for her. I could fight back. I could probably do damage back. But in the long run it would make it worse. I just want everything in this game to turn out like i want it. Even if i have to sacrifice everything. I am not worth anything anymore. My life does not matter. I am only here to make sure my kids are secure and can life comfortably. My life was ruined long ago. I will never be happy. I am seriously so emotionally detached. It is scary. I don’t cry at funerals or when people are at deaths door. I had a close uncle commit suicide and i felt nothing. So I can endure anything really. Maybe I am majorly messed up and actually enjoy pissing him off to where he hits me. Maybe I am that person. My therapist would know. But that would be another chapter for a different day…..