Surviving Out Loud

Chapter 11

After the brutal beating in the car and the charges being pressed, the lovely smooth talking husband came back with the promises of never doing anything like that again. He claimed he over reacted and learned his lesson, blah, blah, blah. My dumbass knew it would happen again because lets face it, I have been in much worse scenarios and knew how everything worked. But as I laid out my options and thought about everything, I knew that if I played my cards right, I could get a lot out of him. I’m talking about things for the kids and much more. Taking a beating wasn’t anything. I have been in worse situations. Rape, beatings, torture, near death. I could handle anything. As long as I could make it to where the kids would never witness it again and I could get compensation for it and support the kids, I would put up with anything. So I can’t blame the situation I am in on anyone but myself. I know he will never change. I just wish it was easier to remove myself now.

The fighting never stopped. The hitting and mental abuse was worse. He never did this in front of the children anymore. The car incident was the last time he ever touched me in front of them. I told him that week when he came back from being released that if he ever did that in front of the kids again, I would end him for good. I believe he would be lost if I actually left. He is use to having an obedient rag doll. He would hate to start over training someone to listen and fear him. I don’t really fear him anymore. He could beat me to death and i would laugh in his face the whole time. I do not fear death. I don’t fear anything, with the exception of my kids. I fear my children’s safety. My kids are my weakness. People can think I am a horrible person for the way I stayed. In a way, I didn’t have a choice, I would have been killed. I stayed because I knew he would have came for me. I stayed because I knew I could play the game and I knew i had a good chance at survival due to my past. I knew that if I stayed I could play the game and possibly be better at it than the game maker. I am still here. I may not be in the best shape, mentally or physically but I am still here. If I had money, I could definitely leave and not look back. People might ask why I don’t have money, and I wonder that too sometimes. Well, I guess I’m not that great playing the game. I don’t know how to drain people dry of money. I am also not allowed to work a lot, or go around guys, or go out with friends, or talk to certain people. I am limited on things I can do.

Back to the story, after the beating, I stayed home and didn’t work. I took care of the household while looking for jobs that didn’t involve guys. I was told to stay home and take care of the kids. So while we were trying to have our own, I was taking care of my 2 kids plus the house. If he was mad, I’d get scolded and he would yell at me and tell me I was worthless and that everything was his. He told me I could go at anytime but I couldn’t take anything because he owned it all. He wouldn’t even let me take the kids items. Then when I tried to leave once, he refused to let me go and said he would kill me if I left. I sent the kids to my sister in laws. I didn’t want them to hear the fighting. I left the house walking because he took my car keys and said he owned that too because he paid for it. I walked (we live on a highway in the country, about 6 miles from town) all the way to town, to the bar in the snow, got wasted and walked back. Made it almost to my driveway, but was 2 ft short of the driveway and tried to climb through the barbwire fence. I got stuck and fell asleep there. I woke up to him cutting me out of the barbwire fence and cussing. He called me every name in the book and then told me not to leave the house for a week. He kept accusing me of cheating which meant he was probably doing it. He was always gone and working late and “out of town”. He was always secretive with his phone. He started acting really weird and being super aggressive towards me if i asked questions relating to him talking to anyone. So I decided I should get a job anywhere, just so I could start saving money in case we needed to divorce. I didn’t want to be left without money. I didn’t want him to have a reason for me to beg him for anything. I wanted to be able to make it on my own with my kids. When i got a job, he snapped. This was definitely not the fairytale i was looking for but never the less, this game was just getting started.