Surviving Out Loud

Chapter 8

                While dealing with the courts, a stalking rapist, parents who pretend to be there but turn against you, a real father trying to hunt you down, a shitty ass job you are trying to keep just to make your bills, a townhome you rented to stay hidden from the world, being in seclusion like an assassin hiding after a kill, and taking care of a baby that was never suppose to be, I try to keep my composure and figure out how to survive in a world where I was not meant to stay living in. This is where my life continuously goes downhill.

                I met up with a few people I had met online. They ride bikes, so did I. Surprise, I know how to ride. Shocking. I also like older cars. I met with a guy named Ryan. He was absolutely wonderful. Same age as me. Nice mustang. And he was a bit cocky. He thought he was the best-looking guy out there but treated me like a queen. He knew I had a son and didn’t judge me. I found a sitter and went and hung out with him a few times. We became best friends. (We still talk to this day. He is still amazing but has his flaws) He did everything for me. I told him I didn’t want anything from him, but he spoiled me rotten. I wasn’t used to that. I was still hung up on my first love for some stupid reason. I gave in and gave him a chance. We dated for a year, and he claimed he fell head over heels for me, but I am sure it is because he loved the sex. He liked rough sex and I never said no to anything he wanted to do. I am not sure if I am numb to things because of everything I have been through or if it is just something that is burned into me that I might enjoy as well. I see a psychologist and Psychiatrist about everything. (that is for a later chapter) We were good for a while, but it didn’t work out. He was too jealous of everything. I couldn’t even talk to my friend Sarah without him getting jealous. We had a mutual break up and stayed friends. We still hung out and talked. When Sarah and I went to a bar on girls’ night, he would try to go as well. The bar nights always ended up in fights with people. I always ended up getting into a fight with someone. I had a temper. Apparently, it was a lot of pent-up anger. Sarah would tell me someone was harassing her and then I would just go full beast mode. I would grab a pool stick and turn into a spider monkey. I would be cracking the stick off of people’s backs and climbing up tall people and smashing my fists into faces. I would pull off my heels and put them into people’s backs or faces. I kicked a car door once and broke my stiletto off into the door. I wasn’t very nice as a drunk. Especially when drinking whiskey. Sarah couldn’t fight. There was a time we were in her G6, and she followed her boyfriend when he was cheating on her. He was in a at a stop light, she pulled in front of them, got out and the girl got out as well and started wailing on Sarah. She yelled for me and my drunk ass jumped out, slid over the hood, superman punched that bitch and then throat punched her boyfriend. Then there was someone holding my hand back, so I turned around to punch them, and it was a guy I was talking to. I kind of liked him so we were dating, and he was in the car with them with that bitch’s sister. So, I used my other hand to left hook him. Me and Sarah drove off and we got a call later stating they were breaking up with us because the one girl had a swollen face and had to lay on his couch with a bag of frozen peas. Sarah just started laughing like a mad man and told me to get in the car. I was like, “where we going?”. She never answered, just drove to his place and told me to go get her stuff. I am only 5’1”. At the time I only weighed maybe 110 pounds. She wanted me to walk into a lion’s den and just gather her items. And guess what, I did. I walked in there, said what I was doing, only made one swing, and left after I had her stuff. I came outside to Ryan standing there all pissed off at Sarah because I forgot he had my location and then he was flipping me around like a rag doll to see if I was hurt. Then he went in and came back out after I heard some screaming. I guess he went in to clean up. I never asked. We just left. Ryan drove me to his house, I showered and slept in his bed, and called the babysitter to check on my kid, then relaxed next to Ry. I fell asleep while listening to a famous lecture by my best friend.

                After years of raising my kid and hanging out with Ry and Sarah, we found out she was pregnant and she wasn’t very happy. She loved the party life. We were out every weekend night at the clubs, dancing and drinking and having a good time. During the day, it was either work or kid time for me. But at night, it was clubbing and drinking or nightly rides on the CBR1000rr.

                After she had her baby, we still partied but I was helping her raise him now. The dad was not in the picture. So, I made the decision that we would live together because it was easier for me to help her raise him. I would wake up to feed him every 2 hours. Plus, I would take care of my child, work, clean, etc. She slept a lot. I eventually got irritated and she left. We stopped being friends which sucked. I missed her a lot. I started hanging out with my riding buddies more and more.  I eventually got depressed pretty bad and made a horrible decision to start working at a strip club as a shot girl. They made good money and didn’t have to be naked. We had a cute outfit to wear but it wasn’t horrible. I served drinks on the weekends for people in bands and high-end celebrity people sometimes. There would be nights I would come home with almost 5k. That might not sound like much now, but it was a lot then. I only had to work 4 hours and made 5-7k. I loved it. I started dating one of the guys that rode a similar motorcycle to mine. Then later I found out he cheated. So, I just focused on my kid and the club.

                This is now 2009, and I am still dealing with a rapist, court, family drama, financial things, etc.. I ended up getting drunk one night while at the bar while riding with friends, and hanging out with a group of people after leaving the bar at one of the riders houses. We started to play strip poker and drinking games. I ended up having a one-night stand and guess what….. I ended up pregnant, and he didn’t want anything to do with the baby. I decided it was my fault and I was going to keep the baby. I stopped drinking and partying and started focusing on getting my shit together. I had a son who was 5yrs old. And I was pregnant with another. I left the club and got a job around my place and decided I was just going to be miserable for life. I blamed only myself. All the money I was making went to lawyer fees and court costs over my son. Now I was going to start struggling. Here we go ALL OVER AGAIN……. It just goes round and round like a damn tornado.