Surviving Out Loud

Chapter 7

                I got pregnant in 2003 from this float trip. Fast forward to today for a min. It is now 2026 and I will be 43 in July. Everyone says I don’t look my age and I am still UNHAPPY. I am suffering to this day, but I can tell you that my children don’t need or want for anything. They are a bit spoiled. But there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I wish I didn’t stick a gun in my mouth and blow my brains out. It is only because of them that I am still here. I would have ended my miserable life long ago. And as soon as my youngest is old enough to understand, I still might. I’m not asking for sympathy, or for anyone to feel anything towards me. My life was due to my decisions after the whole float trip incident. And now, let’s return to 2003 where we left off last time…

                Now we are back when I am in the hospital, giving birth to my first child. I have nurses in and out and I am drugged up. I can’t move due to the epidural. They gave it too early. By the time I start pushing, it wears off and I feel everything. I am giving natural birth and the pain is unreal. I get through it and I deliver a healthy baby boy. And I am so happy that he looks nothing like that asshole who caused all of this. Then I heard a loudmouth. I started to panic. It was him, but how?! Apparently one of the nurses knew him and called him to tell him. She knew everything that was going on and she wanted the drugs that came with the reward if anyone tattled on me to where I was. I had to have security escort him out. I had to have a couple guy friends come up and escort me out. He still followed me. I ended up packing up and moving to Union. I met someone there who had a guy from Playboy who sent me an application. I STILL have that letter and application. I was flattered but I was not in that mindset. I should have been. I could have possibly been rich. Maybe not but I will never know now. I bleached my hair blonde. Maybe he wouldn’t look for a blonde. I cut my hair shorter. I always had long dark hair. I got a simple job and rented a simple little trailer in a tiny little area where there were only 8 trailers. All of them were older people except my neighbor to my left. There wasn’t anyone on my right because I lived at the end. The neighbor on my left was a guy around my age, he always had parties, but I just pretended I didn’t notice. It was just myself and my baby and I didn’t want any trouble. I was hiding. Hiding from a rapist. Hiding from parents who wanted to take custody from me to give custody to the rapist’s parents because they didn’t want anything to do with a grand kid that was a product of that situation. Even though our whole family is messed up.

                Pause for a second, let me explain what type of family I actually have. My family is made up of an adoptive stepdad who molested me, a mother who can’t stand me and will beat me every chance she can get. When I say beat, I mean with frying pans, large items, poles, anything she could get her hands on. Punching and kicking included. I have a real dad that is in the mafia. No, I am not joking. Like actually in the fucking mafia. I found this out in like 2010 or something. When I found out my real last name after meeting him at a school function that I ran into him at in 2010 for my son, that’s how I found out. Because his brother was technically the baby daddy to my only female cousin and that’s where me and her started talking again as well. Anyways, that whole side of my mom’s family was into drugs. I had like 20 cousins, and they were all boys except one female cousin. All in jail and all had issues. My grandparents had like 14 kids. My grandpa had apparently molested my cousin. My grandma died from cancer when I was 1. My aunts and uncles were all involved in drugs. I am the black sheep of my family. I also have the worst luck to ever hit anyone also. I am not the ugliest person, I have decent looks, but my luck is the shittiest luck in the world. My real dad’s family is scattered somewhere but still involved in shady shit and some still involved with Mafia related things. I talk to a few cousins that are from his side and keep in touch with them, plus my female cousin and I are related to them, so they always stay in touch with us somehow. But thinking back to my very first post, now I know why he was chasing my mom with a butcher knife. It makes sense now. My stepdad’s family are almost all dead. They died from natural causes, hanging, car accidents, farm accidents, or some odd accidents, or suicides. Makes me wonder if those are all accurate or if those are just cover ups now that I am older.

                Back to living in Union with my son, the guy neighbor always kept an eye on us. He always came over to check on us, but I made sure we kept our distance. I didn’t want to be friendly with anyone. I wanted to be a recluse and stay hidden. We stayed hidden for a year until the guy who was managing the place I worked at suddenly died by a train wreck. Something felt off, so we moved to Eureka. We stayed there for a bit and then we moved back to our hometown. I found a job and started talking to my family again. MY MISTAKE. I just wanted to have a place to be on holidays.  I missed my brother and I was hoping that everyone could get along. It ended up being a huge disaster. My mother tried to accuse me of doing drugs and she wanted custody of my son. I spent almost 50k in lawyer fees because of that whole situation. I passed every drug test the judge threw at me. Hair follicle, nail, blood, piss and multiple times for a few of those because my mom claimed I cheated on the tests. Then the rapist found me and took me to court for custody, but he failed every test thrown at him. He came into court shaved completely. His head was shaved, eyebrows, even shaved his ball sac and asshole. Nose hair was gone. He trimmed his finger and toenails so short they were bleeding. He refused a blood and urine test. He bleached his body. The judge was completely speechless. I just laughed the whole time and without thinking, I mumbled out loud, “I fucking told you all but you never fucking listen”. I was fined for that. The judge was embarrassed. This was ongoing for years. They tried to tell me that even though he “supposedly” raped me, he still is the father and has rights. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?!?!  What kind of fucking court system do we have!?

                It didn’t get any better from this…. From courts to being stalked and harassed for years….. it continued and became worse.