Surviving Out Loud

Chapter 6

                A few months later, after the horrible incident on the float trip, I was starting to be a little normal again but still not trusting anyone. I was working a lot to keep myself busy, staying in my own apartment, keeping to myself and then I started getting sick a lot. I went to the Drs and found out I was pregnant. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach. There was no way. I was pregnant with a rapist’s baby. What in the fuck was I going to do? I was zoning out and trying to run every option in my head. Then, I thought about the baby I had to abort due to my ex. He wouldn’t let me keep it. This would make up for that. This wasn’t the best situation but in my head at the time, this was meant to be. I was turning a bad situation into a positive one. I also didn’t have to deal with the sperm donor. I told my parents and the first thing they said was that I should abort it due to the circumstances. This was a repeat all over again. I became emotional. Even if I had to raise the baby myself, I would just raise it myself with no help. Eventually they decided I wasn’t going to change my mind, so they just gave in. When I was about 5 months pregnant, I received news of who assaulted me at the float trip. When they showed me the pictures, I became completely ghost white. I didn’t want to go to work anymore. I called and quit my job. The person in the pictures was a male coworker that I had worked with for 2 years.

He was shady and into drugs and drinking hard. I threw up in my mouth. I couldn’t stop shaking and getting upset. When going to the police and making a report, I got the worst information told to me. The police stated that when contacting him for his side of the story, he claimed it was consensual. Basically, it was a “he said she said” dispute and the officers said it wasn’t looking good for me because I didn’t have any evidence. Of course, I didn’t take any photos of the bite marks or scratches because I was dumb. They said that because I decided to keep the baby, it showed that the “rape” didn’t bother me. That is complete bullshit. I just couldn’t see killing a child that had nothing to do with an assault. It isn’t the child’s fault. The next couple months turned into being harassed and stalked by him. Getting cornered in stores and gas stations, at parks, parking lots, restaurants, and even started following me to my new job. I couldn’t get away. He got violent. He punched the side of my truck and put a dent in it. Damaged my property and started getting more physically violent to me.  I asked for a restraining order and was granted one for a year.  But that didn’t stop him.

I hid from the guy for a couple more months. When I was 8 months pregnant, He found out where I lived and while he was completely intoxicated and high on meth, he decided to kick in my apartment door and beat the shit out of me. I called 911 and then by the time they showed up, he took a beer bottle, broke it and took a piece of glass and slit his face from his ear to the corner of his mouth. This happened IN FRONT OF THE POLICE OFFICERS. Fucking insane!! Then he grabbed me and tried to throw me from the 3^rd story balcony. I was 8 months pregnant and he didn’t care if I died or if the baby died. He wanted me dead. He was then arrested and kept for 1 night and then bailed out by his mom. My stepdad ended up coming over with my brother and helped me clean all the blood out of my apartment. The maintenance guy also changed the door and locks that night. I decided to move. I wasn’t taking any chances for him to find me again. But that didn’t stop him from hunting me down. Like a damn blood hound. His probation officer was notified, and he was called in for a drug test. He passed because he bought synthetic piss from the store. Trying to live a normal life free from an abuser who assaulted you and made your life a living hell, is never going to happen. Going from being molested by a family member who is supposed to protect you and love you, to being trapped in a basement and raped and beaten, to maybe being in a loving relationship with a first love who treated you like a queen and then made you get rid of the child you created by aborting it. Abused you so bad you couldn’t see straight and then you get away just to get raped at a birthday gathering. Now you are pregnant and stalked while the rapist is abusing you and harassing you to no end.  My life was one big fucking shit show. And this was just the beginning…..