Surviving Out Loud

Chapter 5

                When you love someone so much, and then they destroy you completely from the inside out to the point you hate yourself and everyone around you, it is hard to recover from that. When you were torn down and ruined before you fell in love and everything was put back together and made you feel like an actual person and that someone still wanted you even though you were completely shattered and violated, this is such an amazing feeling. But then you realize you must destroy a life inside you because the one you love doesn’t want it yet and then his whole demeanor changes towards you. It becomes a nightmare again. Flashbacks of the basement come into your mind and the abuse. Then you get beat again for standing your ground and speaking your mind. All I could think about was how I was not worthy of being loved by anyone. I couldn’t stay in that house with him. Why would I want to. I made the decision to pack some clothes and stay at a friend’s house. Not the greatest decision ever made. This turned into a worse nightmare. At 3am the next morning, my now ex, decided to bang on the door and ask for forgiveness and beg me to come home. He swore never to hit me again. I declined his offer, walked back into the house and cried. I wanted to go to him. I wanted to accept his apology and try to work things out. I made the decision to stay away from him and whether it was the right decision or wrong decision, it doesn’t matter. It led to a downhill path regardless. We sold the house, went our separate ways, he moved on while I missed him every day and I just worked to keep my mind busy. Eventually a few girlfriends and I decided to celebrate a group of our birthdays on a float trip at Huzzah. We planned it ahead and gathered everyone who was going. We made sure we had tents and of course we planned on drinking.  This reminded me of when me and my ex-boyfriend went with his friends to the cabins and they all left me to go to the bars because I was too young to get in. I cried because I never felt so embarrassed in my life to be around people who would talk down to someone like they did. I just wanted to go home. I was hoping this float trip would be different considering they were my friends. After getting to the campsite and setting everything up, all the groups, including surrounding groups, got onto the bus to head to the beginning of the float. There were some guys that were extremely loud and obnoxious. Some of their friends even looked annoyed. After being on the float for an hour, a small group of us decided to veer off to the side and stretch our legs for a minute. We noticed the obnoxious guy group did the same thing. They looked like they were on something or completely wasted. We decided to get back into the water and finish the float. At the campsite, everyone was drinking and listening to music, dancing and having a good time. There was a guy walking around handing out drinks and candy. Now I am not the smartest crayon in the fucking box by any means. I didn’t know anything about acid laced candy. I knew about marijuana and that’s about it. I wasn’t the person to be involved with people who did any of that. My group of people were drinkers and pot heads.

The guy who was walking around handing out drinks and candy offered my group some. We all took the opportunity for free drinks and food. After a bit, a few of us girls started to get drowsy and tired. We didn’t know what was going on. We didn’t know the guys that started talking to us. At this point, I don’t remember a whole lot. I remember wanting to go to bed and someone saying they would walk me to my tent. I blacked out. I woke up in the morning completely stripped down naked and there were marks all over my body. Bite marks and handprints and red marks. I became upset and emotional. One of my female friends started running towards my tent and asked what was going on. I told her what happened and she said another girl had the same thing happen to her and they were trying to find anyone with pictures on their phones or cameras that might show the guys who did it. We had been raped. I was prone to be assaulted. I could not escape it. This guy had chewed on me basically as he raped me. How can someone get enjoyment out of fucking someone who is out cold basically. That’s like fucking a corpse. It doesn’t matter what I say to anyone in my family, they will say I was willing due to it being a float trip planned by myself and friends. Plus, I didn’t know who did it. At the time, I did not have any pictures of who did it or any evidence. I was completely screwed. So, I sat and waited for any of my friends to find anything I could use to file a report.

But it just got worse…….